A day of waiting...

Right now I'm on CD 19 and I still have not O'ed.  The Dr had changed my Clomid to 3 through 7 instead of my previous 5 through 9.  I really hope this change is successful.  I hope I O soon too since our yearly deer hunting vacation is nearly here.  We will be separated for pretty much almost two weeks.  I was hoping to be in my TWW during that vacation because it would be a lot less stressful of a TWW.  We shall see.  The longest CD that I O'ed on was CD22 so, even if I O'ed on CD22 it would still be before the trip, which again would be great!  Here's to having our fingers crossed!  My outlook has gotten slightly better for this month.  I hope I'm not let down.  :)

A Call into the Dr...

Well I had to make my end of cycle call into the dr office for another prescription of Clomid and possibly revamp what we are doing.  Making this call every month is almost getting sickening.  It's pretty bad when the nurse knows you voice and can pull up your information without asking any questions.  Yikes!  It is nice though since we have a pretty good line of communication.  So anyway, when the nurse returned my message I explained my previous cycle, from the beautiful textbook chart to my symptoms to my seemingly lighter and lighter AFs.  Well after consulting with Dr D, it was decided that I would switch up my Clomid, staying at the current dosage but changing from day 5 through 9 to 3 through 7.  So right now I'm on Day 4.  We shall see how this cycle goes, right now I'm not holding alot of hope.  I hope this pessimistic attitude of mine goes away soon.

The Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow...

Yesterday as I was driving home, I felt frustrated and disgusted from all that we've had to overcome in the last few weeks.  My husband was still working on his truck, which left me without a vehicle while he's at work.  Though it's not that bad, it can be very inconvenient. 

This past cycle has really made an impression on me, from symptoms to delayed AF.  I don't think I actually have ever been so sure I was pregnant before.  So once AF showed, I felt like I just died inside.  I've been taking it pretty hard and trying to look at the bright side of things but it's really hard.  Maybe this is my mental TTC breakdown, but I can't shake it.  I think I'm depressed.  I really do.  I can get myself out of bed, but I don't eat, I don't really want to leave the home, and I just don't ever want to get out of my pj's.  I'm working on it. 

So back to my drive.  As I was turning the corner contemplating everything that has been happening, I look up to see a rainbow.  A beautiful bright rainbow, I think it was my mom telling me everything will be ok. 

Feeling a little bummed...

Well, today I'm feeling a little bummed.  I really don't know why.  Ok, maybe thinking about it, I do.  I'm just feeling left behind.  It seems all my family and friends are "adding" to their families and I'm all alone.  Right now, my best friend is pregnant, three of my cousins are pregnant, and a bunch of my "online" support group friends are pregnant.  I just feel alone.  Why does it have to be so hard for some and so incredibly easy for others?  Not that anyone deserves it any less, but why can't we all just have it so easy.  Ugh!

Does anyone else notice an increased about of pessimism during AF.  I'm only on day 2.  I'm thinking she's going to be gone soon, which I like, but worries me at the same time.  Every month that I take Clomid, it seems my AF gets shorter and lighter.  From what I hear and read that isn't good.  I have to phone my Dr's office tomorrow so I'll have to check with them and see if maybe they could switch me to Fermara.  I heard Fermara doesn't thin out your lining like Clomid, which could be why AF is making these new changes.  It's a lot more pricey though which is a big bummer.  Whatever works though, right?   Otherwise, if staying on Clomid, I'm going to see if maybe they would do another u/s check of the follicles and lining, maybe even a Trigger shot.  I was considering asking about having a HSG done as well for next cycle.  We shall see what tomorrow brings. 

For now, I'm just trying not to think about it and get out of this "mood" that I'm in...

What I'm Changing This Cycle

Last night, I was trying to explain that I don't have PCOS, somehow I think everyone got confused. I've been tested for it twice. Originally I thought that it could be my problem since I had irregular cycles with no to little ovulation and I'm a heavier set girl but according to the tests I'm not. Last night also, since JM was having such problems I decided I just needed to get some feelings out and thought about starting up a diary. Which lead me to starting up my own TTC Blog. I've seen others that have there's and I've been watching some of the TTC Vlogs on YouTube. I'm not quite ready to get infront of the camera, but why not a blog, I can take pics and just let everything out. Maybe it would help someone else in the same situation. It's always nice to know that there is someone else out there that is going through the same thing you are.

This cycle I'll talk to the nurse about the Fermara and see if the dr would like to try that instead, what could it hurt? Then also I was going to change up my diet a little bit, cut out sugar and carbs, and try to work out more. Well see if that helps, at least it should bring down the scale number. Win win. Also, I decided that I'll temp til confirmed O and then I'm quiting with temping for the rest of the cycle. I don't have to much faith in what my chart shows except for O. Plus, it might just help me keep my mind off TTCing. I'm not going to read into any symptom I get, since again, I had every symptom in the book, and it was totally different from any cycle I have ever had, and yet turned out to be nothing but signs of AF. My average LP is 13 days with the exception of this last cycle which was a fluke. So if I go over that then I will test. I'm not going to hold off since all it really did was make me crazy and didn't work anyway. So why not feed the addiction.

I'm still going to continue the scent therapy, just well, because I like it. I think this cycle is just going to be a very relaxed cycle. According to FF we may still be home during my O time, so we might still have a chance but I'm not putting much faith into it. I'm visualizing this cycle as a preparation cycle for December. I can start and get into some of my new dietary changes and be prepared for the next cycle. So that's what I've come up with, at least for now. I think it's a decent plan. Who knows things may change, well see what happens with my dr phone call on Monday.

My First TTC Blog

Well, this month of TTC has thrown me into crazy land.  I had the most beautiful chart, symptoms I never had before, a late Aunt Flo, and everything seemed just right.  Unfortunately, it ended like all of my cycles of TTC, a big fat negative.  After all the worry and frustration, stress and anxiety, I thought maybe it would help to write my feelings.  Hey my husband needs a break! (lol)  I don't know how much more of this I can emotionally handle.  Let me start from the beginning (short version I promise).

My husband and I have been trying for just about 6 years.  In the first 3 years we tried naturally to conceive.  No Luck.  Finally we decided that we needed some help and I got a new ob/gyn in my town.  She was wonderful and willing to work with me.  We did several tests and everything came back just fine.  She worked with me for 9 months and then transferred out of state.  I had to look for another dr.  In the meantime, we were TTCing and not getting anywhere. 

I found a new Dr and met with her.  She kind of brushed me off and told me that her Physician's Assistant would be working with me.  The PA was kind, at first, she seemed proactive and got me on a drug called Metformin.  I was told this was "the Magic Drug".  The only magic I found in it was that it magically sent me running to the bathroom every 30 to 40 minutes.  After about a month of this I called and asked if there was any other drug that could be substituted.  The response I get, "No, there isn't anything else.  Unless you lose weight there is nothing I can do to help you."  I was furious, ashamed, and felt hopeless all at once.  I almost through in the towel completely.  Ok, so I'm definitely not skinny, but I'm also not huge.  I'm a bigger girl and I'm working on that, but that's a story for a different day.

After the "discussion" with the PA, I wasn't going to go to anymore doctors.  I had had enough and figured that anyone that I found after this would just say the same thing.  My dear husband and a bunch of my JM ladies convinced me to search again.  I finally found my wonderful OB/GYN that I'm working with now.  He's great!  Never made mention of my weight, I'm more than a number.  He started me on Clomid.  The first cycle was 50mg.  I didn't ovulate my first cycle and the cycle lasted about 42 days.  The second round again at 50mg resulted in me ovulating.  Yay!  But still a BFN.  My cycle shortened up to 32 days and a luteal phase of 15 days.  Again BFN.  Third cycle ended the same however luteal phase moved to 13 days.  My dosage was increased to 100mg in my fourth cycle.  I started testing early at 7dpo, I thought I saw something but it was just a cheap test.  I did another test at 8dpo which came back positive.  I was so excited.  I could hardly contain myself.  At 9dpo, it was gone.  So I went from so excited and elated to shattered.  Which brings me to this cycle.

This journey so far has not been easy....